sadbriety

    Today marks 12 days without alcohol. I haven't gone this long without a drink since 2009, when I stopped for a month in order to quit smoking...but even then I smoked a ton of weed to get through the whole thing.

Now I have no weed, no nicotine, no alcohol, nothing chemical that I can occupy myself with. The oddest part about this journey is that if I felt that I was an alcoholic, I would try to find some sort of support group to navigate me through these waters. However, I do not think I am an alcoholic...but I do think I have used alcohol for a long time to self medicate an ongoing anxiety problem that has been present in me since I was a child. But, I truly love drinking and the kind of wild uninhibited fun it can foster when used responsibly...I've just reached a point where, as a grown woman, I feel that I should really take some time out to learn how to deal with my stress and anxiety in some effective ways that didn't involve vodka and beer. 

But nothing prepared be for how truly difficult this would be. I have felt so up and down all week...my emotions are super volatile and panic attacks threaten to disrupt everything, all the time.

Tomorrow I'm going to a Buddhist center to take up some of their free meditation classes, and I'm going to start running as much as possible beginning tomorrow. 

Logic tells me that there is a light at the end of the tunnel, and I will come out of this a better person with healthier habits. 

But right now it just feels like 7 levels of hell all at once.