Last night a desert hell bug infiltrated our apartment. I was going to the kitchen to steal some of Trey's Trix and there before me was a black wasp-like creature about the size of a half a thumb. He was banging wildly against the overhead kitchen lights like a fucking maniac! How did he get in here!? This is terrible! He is between me and the Trix! I am frozen with fear because Trey, who is my bug protector, is at work for the night. I find myself cowering in the corner silently praying that I could get Trey to come home and take care of this tiny demon in our home. Alas, I was on my own. I told myself that I was a grown ass woman capable of taking this thing down. I am strong and I am going to take back my home from this unwelcome intruder. A montage of me doing sit ups and push ups and jumping around in an abandoned warehouse happened. Then I bandaged my hands up like JLo in that one movie where she is like...a badass or something. I was ready.
So, first things first I grabbed the Febreze I tried spraying it on him a few times. He dive bombs my head a bunch and I scream and Mochi my dog baby is terrified. Then I got really pissed off like...HOW DARE THIS MOTHER FUCKER COME INTO MY HOME AND KEEP ME FROM TRIX. I HAVE CEREAL TO EAT AND AN EPISODE OF MAD MAN TO CATCH UP ON. I decide to up the ante and grab the Scrubbing Bubbles. I sprayed him with that for a little bit and it worked better...he was weakened but still undeterred from his reign of terror.
Enough was enough. Time to roll up a newspaper and engage in some hand to hand combat with this insect of Hades. This lapdog of Satan! I was done using chemical warfare, and also nervous that I was going to breath in some of the Scrubbing Bubbles and thus have my lungs scrubbed and lungs are not for scrubbing. They are for breathing.
With my rolled up newspaper in hand, I waited for him to rest on the wall next to my feminist art calendar. I WHACKED! Missed. Fuck. Mochi at this point is completely terrified, she just wants some frozen yogurt and my lap, you know? I wait again. WHACK AND MISS GODDAMMIT. Ok ok. I pulled myself together and focused on this sonofabitch...I can't give up....I can't go to sleep with him in my house. He will lay eggs in my nose and then his spawn with crawl out through my bellybutton. I have to kill him. He lands on the overhead fan above the stove and I find my kill shot...I WHACK! HE GOES DOWN!!!! YASSSSSS!!!!! MOCHI IS LIKE: STOP STOP WHACKING WHAT DID I DO WRONG STOP IT OMG STOP!! And I'm like: IT'S OK MOCHI IT'S FINE HAVE A PORK CHOMP.
I wiped that little asshole up in some paper towels and threw him away and poured myself a triumphant bowl of Trix, which tasted all the more fruity and sweet after my amazing victory.
Sometimes, it's not until you find yourself alone and without protection that you truly become what you need to be to survive.
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